Embarrassing Donut Shop

I am going to write about thing as an exercise in telling the truth an d being as honest as I can be right now. And it is embarrassing to me.

There is a danger in self-effacement as a technique of manipulation and self aggrandizement in a toxic hyper-affiliative attempt at gaining false power. Never-the-less there is also an opportunity to study how decisions and behavioral choices lead to a splitting of the mind through trauma. know that the writing is also from the heart to an extent, and that is a powerful expression I as that you can also perhaps forgive me also.

These relate to power, including the false usurpation of power by the mind, or rather left-brained identity, distinguished from the power of the right mind that connects us to the divine and all that is.

This is a story not about maturity or immaturity, so much as how evil operates inside of me.

There is nothing wrong with sexual immaturity or sexual maturity if it is expressed mi a cycle of learning and growth and not perverted.

As a teenager I was part of a very big family, as the youngest, and I developed a keen understanding of brain pathways, ways of thinking about power, to manipulate and protect myself.

Once I woke up, I saw through all the left brain machinations of power. Frankly we all have to navigate this as adults. Sometimes it is painful lessons. It is a world of service to self structured in such a way that it takes faith and hope and love to harmonize beautifully with soul, in service to others, to escape unseen evil in high places.

I myself have an interesting chart. There it is with Venus conjunct the sun in the eighth (potential power, beginnings expression of sexual energy in that context) and 7th house (partnership, relationship, split right down the middle, with the sun in the seventh house.

With a strong need for relationship, for intimate partnership, there is a tendence for fracture, for split, whether from rejection, hurt, childhood trauma, and an usurpation of power in the false mind with manipulations in the Eighth house. This may play out also as timing issues if there is such a thing.

Then too there is Jupiter and Moon in Fifth house in Scorpio, a place of damped up water and power opposite Saturn in Taurus. Here we see the practical, logical dam builder of the left brain, that is willing to work within the parameters and structures of power.

Of course there is a rising sign opposite the sun on the cusp of Cancer and Leo. Here is a cross of personal power as it relates to being and harmonizes with the heavens in some weird ass way.

Ok you say, I get you have problems, why can’t you just be yourself?

Well that’s part of why I am writing this, sometimes it is important to just talk. I know I know, Need to learn to trust and listen, yearn for it.

In the process of letting go, or holding lightly, telling the truth is a bridge between doing and not doing, between humility and self-aggrandizement And all the while the river flows; whether in perceived emotions of fear and sorrow, or embraced in the heart, in feeling , like joy and love in greater understanding.

The Do-nut Shop

The split leads to banality. We see the effects of trauma, but then too there is the banality of evil.

I was lost as a young man in twenties. I didn’t have a family that understood me, most of them completely rejecting me, and I was isolated. You need a family. That’s a goddam human need. My first year at art school I had nothing in common with the other students. I wasn’t interested in modern art really, and I could no longer be a dreamspeller. Man I started to get a pain in my heart. it was a hypochondriac obsession and it was painful. I really became convince I might have a heart attack and the fear was making it so.

Right near the very end of the school year a girl approached me. A third year student. She said that I was the only reason she came to class, though it must have been interment, because I never noticed her. She said she followed me around sometimes. we went and picnicked under a tree. I was so happy. I began to sing, sing Cat Stevens songs to her as we left. I could see she was a bit taken aback. But no matter, I asked her if she’d have dinner with me.

The next day, after dinner, she told me she had a boyfriend. Something like an open relationship and why she was afraid to approach me. I wasn’t a saint but it devastated me. I began to cry right there in the street. Like Blue roses.

I Felt like this:

The next day was like an emotional blur, I hadn’t slept, and everything streamed together in transitions of light and shadow.

She must have felt bad because she did try to find me but I had no phone. She did try to find me, knowing my last name and calling my brother in Portland. He told her to stay the hell away from me.

I hadn’t made real friends at the school, but I =did hang out with the deaf people at Seattle University. I didn’t have to talk to them. We could just sit around and communicate non-verbally. It was very intimate. I was socially awkward and talking to people wasn’t my thing. Actually to be a good artist involves leading or successful navigation of social interaction. Not that it is a con but that it involves that. It’s very necessary. Being with people-well that was just beautiful.

At any rate, after the first year I had trouble holding jobs being depressed and hurting. I had gone to the East Coast, where it all began, in Plymouth, Massachusetts to unsuccessfully convince my mother, who had separated from my father to pursue her career as a library director, to leave my father.

Returning to Seattle, I found a job making doughnuts. It involved working nights at Winchell’s doughnuts downtown. The owner was a gay ex-con. No matter, nice enough guy (with warm heart).

It took me a while to learn. I was very slow at it. I wasn’t mechanical nor did I strive for organizational efficiency. I work slowly, and slowly I learn to make the most beautiful big Donuts.

Now the training was a little creepy. The Boss sometimes put a pair of handcuffs on the hopper and talked about his relationship and how he needed a little spice. He also talked about how the shortening for the fryer was the perfect lube for anal sex.

I mean it didn’t really bother me. I mean when he put the handcuffs over the fryer I was a little concerned and scared but the guy was also kind and friendly, warm even so Sure it was a little threatening but that was his thing. “ The great thing about doing this is you always have a job. You can go to any city, anywhere and get a job.” He said.

We talked, about a lot of things, really.

I can say he was a friend.

My brother visited and came to work with me. Of course the Boss showed up to check on me Jesus what a big guy the boss was. He shook my brothers hand and was cool with him being there. Then he notices the strange swelling welt on my brothers hand.

“oh it’s nothing, just a wart removal (they froze it off) its not contagious or anything” The Boss just recoiled in fear.

But then he shook it off and started talking about how happy he was to have me working there. “Nathan’s a certified baker!”

After the Boss left Matt and I made little what he’d call friblsies from some of the scrap dough. Just random string shapes frying and then some dipped in sugar. We laughed and said w’’d sell them for ten, fifteen cents apiece.

We had access to the soda machine so we drank copious amounts of soda water (health kick). “If I was you I really get used to this and drink copious amounts of soda water” Matt said, lol

How to make donuts:

This is what a donut fryer looks like. There is full articulation. You hold it above the grease and fly it like it Star Wars, just like in Beggers Canyon back home.

There are different attachments to make various forms of cake donuts, whether Devil’s food cake or old-fashioned recipe or just standard type.

Then of course you let them cool and dipp them in various icing or topping.

The raised donuts are different. Most are just stander dough and you roll them and cut them out into various shapes. The round, the bar, and the twist. and the jelly, they all go in the proofer to rise. The cruellers have a different recipe and rise time and the Fritters are just made with the scrap dough and special apple mix kneaded right in.

The jelly and cream fills you just poke a hole in and you can fill to various settings 1 to 8. I generally filled them like 7 (no scimpin’).

About 5 racks of Donuts

If you play in the dirt you are going to get dirty:

Now I was on my own. I had no TV. I just read a lot of books. I was obsessed with painting a wave by Kanagawa, only with Salmon swimming upriver. But much messier, even expressionistic.

It started getting difficult working nights all the time. It wears one down with little human contact. Isolating. There was a crazy guy (on meds) working the night shift selling donuts before I started my shift at 10:00PM. He liked to quote movies like Batman. He’d scream at the top of his lungs, in exuberance, “This town needs an enima!”

For the F-ing life of me. He told me he was getting blowjobs from one of the cashiers.

I took a fancy to a morning cashier, a curly, dark-haired beauty who had a special way of treating customers with attention and consideration. It was like she had a camera on her, a controlled self-consciousness, only she didn’t know it was fake, so it garnered a kind of authenticity.

I kind of got her to go on a date, but it didn’t go anywhere- she wasn’t interested. before shift that night I talked to a day manager at the who was very effeminate. He told me he actually went out with her and they made out. “Ha ha, he said, I got farther than you ever did. I looked at him like,, “What the fuck dude.”

One time a gas line went out in Pioneer Square and I couldn’t make donuts. Finally I restarted the fryer in the morning and started making donuts. The morning crew arrived in horror.

I started bossing them around, do this, do this, do that; no time to lose. “Hey you can’t boss me,” says the effeminate morning manager.

“Yeah well I make the donuts, without me there are no donuts to sell so do what I say. come on and help”"

For more hours I started to to go to other donut shops as relief. The ex-con Boss hooked me up some distance with a Boss by the name of “Rabbit”. I walked everywhere. I walked the 7 miles to the store.

I danced during my break, loud Music blaring REM, “The Man On the Moon. Back then I could on occasion jump close to four feet in the air. I practiced jumping over the four foot three foot wide counter. At some point, raising my legs, I didn’t even need to touch it with my hands.

I really could. Because of materialistic programming, because of heart, my body. My body was a retreat, where I could still express freedom, within the parameters of a controlling mind. That’s what happens in danger, emotional hurt, rejection, fear, and threat. The left brain feels it in the body and stops listening to the right brain. Something is wrong, but I will meet you in the heart, only only, but only, in the physical. It wasn’t egotistical. There was joy in it.

At this store we had a window where we sold half price donuts all night. A tallish, cream-colored girl had walked up. She flirtatiously ordered “Hot chocolate too.

That morning on the walk home I wondered what it would be like to ask her out. We could make love all day and night. Just working nights must be taking a toll. What a lustfull fantasy.

Next night she was there, and she came up to the widow and danced. And I caught , with her sweatshirt inadvertently raised, exposed to the wind, the sight of a bandage across her belly.

Seagulls Flying SEAGULLS FLYING, Seagulls flying

Unknown photo: seagulls and ravens at a landfill

List reveal:

What really happened.

She came to the window. Bought a donut and hot chocolate, she was wearing sweats, tall, thin, black light skin, flirty. She order a donut and hot chocolate. I turned my back when I put the change in the tin. I caught something out of the corner of my eye. Several donuts were missing from near the window. That’s dishonest. No matter, they were day old donuts anyway.

I closed the window and went back to frying donuts. She went away.

Then there was a knock on the door. I went to the door. “Can I come in and sit down, it’s cold outside.”

It was that. ”Uh uh ok, I don’t see the harm in that.”

She sat down eating quietly at a table. I went about making donuts. Then later came up to talk.

“yeah yeah, do you want to see how I make donuts?” “:Yeah OK ,” she said

“Hey do you you wwant to go on a date sometime? I’m off tommorrow” I asked.

“How about we go on a date right now,” she said.

And she just reached down and grabbed me. That was a turn-off. It wasn’t loving. “ooh yoiiu are already hard.”

My body may have been but I was scared. It’s like all that fear and anger that drives lst comes face to face with the fear, and its no longer lustful, just naked fear.

Still I pressed ahead. I reached out and touched her belly. There was something..

“Don’t touch me!”

There was some kind of surgical band -aid across her belly. She’d recently had an abortion, or a c-section, or something.

At that point the donuts were completely crisped in the fryer.

There was something going on outside—cop cars with flashing lights block away ”you know this is dumb. I think you better leave.”

Then she said for me to give her money. I told her there wasn’t any. “I let you touch me !”

She looked around and grabbed a large cutting knife.

I know there is five or ten dollars around here somewhere>”

She seemed familkiar with the place. She’d been there before.

I leaped over the counter, unbolted the door, and held it wide open.

I am a tiger I said And she paused. “No I don’t think so” And she was right.

I remember a game my brother and I played with plastic animals-a tiger kept going around and mating with all the different cats girlfriend So irritating. He was so arrogant. “ He’d say, “Tiger’s never miss.”

I remember my brother dating Irene Bedard, the girl who played Pocahantus. She used to ride around in our green van singing songs. But it didn’t go too well she had been raped by her father.

There was a guy named Victor North, who made it a thing to sleep with every girl he could. Matt drove by North’s house on a suspicion and saw her car there.

I said '“Well how do you know she slept with him. He just looked at me and said, “Tigers never miss.”

My brother is a great person. He does construction for the Postal service. He is a master of electrical wiring, welding, carpentry: he built his own saw mill design, with pully’s and calculating the leverage and everything else.

He is a libtard though.

That’s another way trans marginal inhibition works. It captures people through bonding. They put a part of themselves in other people, like a horcrux. In so doing they can no longer think for themselves, but are influenced and tied to the beliefs of their parents.

Once you break the bond you can’t go back, not at least to the parameters of the old bonds. First is the shock they are a separate person. Then you realize, if you arn’’t too hurt, that who you thought they are is really you. That they are different from you and have their own path.

Then too when people turn on you it really gives evidence of a hyper-dimensional control matrix. Like with my parents. How can they just hate their don. I thought it was my fault a little, and in fear tried to help and change them. That is a split right their, arrogant self -sacrifice, and evidence of the left brain not in service to the right brain.

You have to constantly reclaim the bond. Like more and more I realize that I am my brother, that he is me.

That poor woman. The scar was just awful. I felt so bad for her scar or whatever it was. I felt so full of intense shame I couldn’t talk about what happened. I couldn’t talk about it, about what happened. What I’d done. I have to live with it. I could have not let her in. I know at the window, in that moment, I could have made a better decision. My conscience was right there, and I ignored it.

“Rabbit saw that the donuts were really messed up and two racks short and He was like what the hell happened.

Then He had a knowing look and after doing a few more tasks told me to go home (that gig was over). The Boss back at home store asked me why I make such beautiful donuts here but not at Rabbit’s store. “He doesn’t want you back,” he said Neither Rabbit or I was willing to disclose the truth for obvious reasons. Rabbit had a lot of kids.

Well I felt so ungovernable back then. That it was bad and I needed to do as told. Well don’t do as told. Donuts in the sky with diamonds.

I guess it is understandable, what with hormones and my focusing on the body, more specifically the material. I mean where do babies come from? We are tought from early age that babies come from sex and come out of the mom. But that is not really quite how creation works. It’s more like also a reflection. Like what about fractured soul? How does that work. Do the Soul temple give birth to the mind temple which gives birth to the heart temple which gives birth to the body temple? I am referring to different groupings of personality types. Perhaps it’s the reverse in an upside down way.

Going back to how trans-marginal inhibition works, it weakens the mind through shocks to the body. It can also form bonds through a heightened state of mental excitement .

I know some people won’t understand my mold. My strength is in the heart. I know aI am not that good at it, but I have that ability. To look in a person’s heart, see how it is balanced, and garner information that way.

My weakness is the mind, the left brain, and it’s split from the heart. My essence reached a threshold of not growing much in my twenties, so there is immaturity. It is invaluable to find out why and start growing and fast. In order to conquer, not conquer, but facilitate the left mind in service to heart, the heart must feel safe and cozy.

I will leave you with this. A mountain with snow and waterfalls, and vulnerability.